A few quick thoughts.

A couple days ago while I was praying I was surprised to hear myself pray, "but that's my burden to bare...". Through the years I have prided myself on being an individual... Somewhere I became less like an individual and more like an island. I say this because I wasn't just handling things on my own, I was handling them alone. I selfishly wanted to fix my own mess-sometimes even the messes of others. I told myself I could handle it but really I was just stuffing things inside. I stuffed them so deep I forgot they were even there. Whether the issue was big or small, I halfway dealt with them. No matter how good the stuffer, the issues being stuffed will always pop back up. Through these past few months I feel like I've really gotten better about this "stuffing" but the other day I was shocked at my own words over something so small. "That's my burden to bare" First of all, not only is that prideful, but it is so selfish. I was basically saying to God that I didn't want his help. It was my problem to fix. I was instantly told otherwise with the simple words, "No, it's mine." Woah. The God of the universe just told me my problem was his. We forget how blessed we are with a loving and merciful God. He doesn't want us to stress or be in pain. Jesus took that for us. When he was dying on the cross he took every single one of our burdens with him. It's not mine to bare, because it has already been taken care of.

Redeemer

I think it's about time for a post. Maybe a little past time... The past few months or so I have been battling anxiety. I'm not talking about just being stressed out or having a few panic attacks here and there... No, I was in constant fear. It got bad enough that I didn't go off to school this semester but instead decide to allow myself time to heal and overcome this thing. Thankfully, the Lord is sovereign and provided me with that healing. I would never want to go back and experience the darkness I did those weeks but I am so grateful that it did happen to experience the sweet time with God that I've had. For the first time in my life I appreciated grace. I am so unworthy of such a great love but still He gives it so freely. Even when I was doubting of this love He showed it to me in the most unexpected ways. Twice in one week I had two different women that I had never met before tell me scripture that says God dances and sings over us with our own song he's written for us. Yeah, I thought they were weird too. It was when I found myself feeling so alone in the depth of the night desperate for a savior that I realized the importance of this. If God loves me enough to dance and sing over me... a song he has just written for ME... He loves me enough to deeply hurt when I am hurting. He loves me enough to protect me. He loves me enough to give me security. I had always heard God loved us and I always believed it but all the sudden it was God loves ME. Me?? The maker of the universe cares enough about me to cry with me? The maker of the universe is singing songs for me and rejoicing with me? My mind is still blown! Jesus all the sudden became MY sweet Jesus.

With next semester around the corner and the stresses of school, what to do, where to go, and who to be with it, I have again doubted the love of my Savior. I then was tenderly reminded that I am loved and secure. He never leaves. He is dancing. He is alive. He is my constant. My constant.

I am finding more and more everyday that I don't understand people as well as I thought I did. We are each so different and each so beautiful in our own way. I know that I have come short of things I could accomplish. I am constantly realizing more and more things about myself that I had ignored. Not necessarily bad things either. Things that I told myself I couldn't accomplish, things that I told myself I would never do or never be. If you had told me 5 years ago that I would go to community college for 2 years... I most likely either would have laughed in your face or I would have burst into tears. Many people look at other people's life and pity them for the road they have taken, or where they are in life. I used to. But I see now that it doesn't matter how we expect something to turn out or no matter how badly we want to move or what job we can't live without... Things just don't always turn into what we want, what we expected. Instead, they turn into what God wants for us. What is best for us. That is such a beautiful thing. This time of being home and being so stretched to make friends in a place I was convinced I knew everyone, has turned into a wonderful time of finding out my passions. Mine. Not the group of friends I hang out with, not what I want my passions to be... But what they truly are. It has been a growing time. It's when your life is not what you ever thought it would be and times of loneliness that I am truly grateful for. In fact, I catch myself praying for more of this time. Not because I love my life going completely opposite of how I want it to be, cause I don't, but because there is such beauty in this time. When life takes an unexpected turn, it is for a reason. Maybe, in order to get to that place or person... you need to grow up first, or learn something about yourself, etc.

You're right. I am here and I am lonely. But I want this time of growing to continue until I am absolutely sure of the person I am and when finally the person I am is who I want to be. So, let the lessons continue. Let me be broken and beaten down. Let me be humbled. Cause these are the things that perfect who we are and get us ready for the challenges to come. There is beauty in breaking down, but it is the realization of why we are breaking down, how to fix ourselves again, and finally healing that truly makes us each so different. And thank God we are so different cause it is our differences that pull us to each other, our differences that help us heal one another.

Journey

This year, I have experienced more life lessons and challenges of growing up than I ever could have expected. All the heartache and joy in this year has been such a blessing... and I didn't think I would say that while it was happening. I realize now that everything happens for a reason. God has a perfect plan for my life. I know now that this plan includes me moving to San Diego in the fall. If you ask me why... I couldn't give you a straight answer. I just know that is where God wants me. I am scared of leaving my family and friends. My comfort zone. Going somewhere that I don't know every other person that walks by... But yet I have this strange peace about it. I know I can't afford it but I have faith that God will provide. There is such beauty in how God's plan works out and I am looking forward to seeing how it does. The future is a scary yet exciting thing for me right now. I can't wait to see what the next step is.

Untitled.

Love, come and find me.

Let me understand truly being cherished and sacrifice

Becoming grateful for what you've given me

Love, don't desert me.

Don't leave me searching for you

Holding onto the preview you've given me

Love, embrace me with the warm understanding.

I want to find you.

New

This summer I have matured and learned more lessons than I ever thought I was capable of learning in such a short period of time. It has been painful. But I have never been more excited about where my life is heading.

I wrote this on the plane home from San Diego. I was so torn. I felt like I belonged there and I had finally found my future, only to get back on a plane and leave it all behind.

New

The things I hold dearest are suffocating me slowly.

The passions wrestling to get out of my skin are deteriorating.

Is there no other way?

It's frustrating to me that it is this hard to change.

Change?

Or am I transforming?

Change?

Or am I renewing my soul to what I want the most.

You.

Father, hear my cry.

This heart needs sutures.

This heart was made to love you.

But trust...

My heart aches.

This is too much pain.

Is it too much to ask for my life to be fine?

For my passions to finally be mine.

One after another I get closer.

But you never told me how my heart would behave.

But the beauty in breaking down remains.

My desire is you, these passions come from you.

Change.

Change is delicate.